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  • Mason Masters

Name Brand New: Renaming Washington & Cleveland

It looks like Journeyman Sports' latest made its way to both the brain trusts for the football team in Washington and the baseball club in Cleveland. Thanks for sharing the story with them, everyone!

All kidding aside, things have moved lightning quick over the past weekend, with head coaches and managers calling out their respective team names as well as Washington’s minority ownership looking to jump ship. I’m probably showing too much optimism, but it looks like the wheels might actually be in motion for not one but two name changes in the coming weeks.

Since we caused this problem, it only seems fair to offer up some suggestions on how to replace these problematic nicknames. We’ll start in the nation’s capital.

What Washington should absolutely be called: The Red Tails

It is pretty much a guarantee that ownership won’t even consider this name. That's how good

it is. The Tuskegee Airmen, the first Black fighter squadron in history, were known as the “Red Tails”. The name is fierce, patriotic, and is on the opposite end of the spectrum from their current nickname in terms of respect. Minimal tweaking would be needed to the colors of the team, and for a team that used to proudly represent Dixie, it would be a welcome cultural change to the identity of the franchise in more ways than one.

Other Options:

Sentinels – You know who we need to honor? All-Time Movie QB Legend Shane Falco.

Monuments – Change the team to a red white & blue motif and stick a big old white obelisk on the helmet. Something tells me Dan Snyder will love that.

Freedom – It’s boring, just like this team is on the field.

Ambassadors – Aping the Senator's name from MLB seems wrong and naming the team the Supremes after the Supreme Court is dicey wordplay given the team's history of white supremacy so this is a fine alternative. The logo better have a top hat and monocle, though.

What they should use but don’t have the huevos to use: The Lobbyists

Look, if the team wants to continue to demean a group of people with their name, then pick a group that deserves it. Hail to the Lobbyists, the scourge of our nation.

What Cleveland should absolutely be called: The Spiders

The Cleveland Spiders were a National League club from the 1800s, and somehow between now and then, no other pro team has kept this nickname. Cleveland should call back to the early history of baseball in their city and use an absolutely unique nickname while doing it. It wouldn’t require an overhaul to the team’s look or colors and opens up several very cool options for a logo as well.

Other Options:

Rocks (or Rockers) – I prefer Rocks, only so Drew Carey can be brought in to lip sync their theme song video.

Dobys – Although anyone under the age of 35 will instantly think of Harry Potter’s house elf bestie, the Dobys would be an excellent name for the club. Larry Doby was the second Black player in MLB baseball after Jackie Robinson and the first for the American League. It is a great story and one we touch upon in a recent story about another baseball pioneer. Cleveland would do far worse than honoring this part of their heritage.

Eries – Naming the team the Lakers would be lame, but the Eries? I kinda dig it. Embrace your frozen wasteland, Cleveland! It also becomes spooky in the fall.

Inferno - Perhaps the thing Cleveland is best known for is the fact that their beloved Cuyahoga River was so polluted that it literally caught fire in 1969. Redesign the outfield to incorporate a bubbling brook inferno out in center.

What they should use but don’t have the huevos to use: Cleveland Colonizers

I’ll just let my friend Jim Brockmire pitch this one:


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